Committed...and Curious
Renegotiating the Marital Agreement
In the leafy suburbs of New Jersey, with its well-maintained homes, tidy lawns and sports fields sprinkled with energetic little league players and cheering, multi-tasking parents, it’s easy to believe that marriages look a certain way, that couples generally follow the same rule book, and everyone shares a similar view of what’s “normal” in their relationships. Saturday night date night. Family dinners. Occasional sex. The thing is, as we’re reminded ominously, over and over again in DTF St. Louis (a great binge!), “No one’s normal. It just looks that way from across the street.”
Maybe it would surprise you to know that the guy riding beside you on the bike bus, that friendly mom in your kid’s third grade class, the neighbor who’s always out walking the cute dog…
has an active membership on OnlyFans
is openly having an emotional affair with a work colleague
rents a studio where they spend a fair amount of time watching porn
has a “don’t ask, don’t tell” work travel policy
I discuss relationships for a living, so I should not have been surprised when my SEO guy told me that “polyamory” is one of the top search terms in my county. I’ve seen relationships grow stronger when the rules are loosened, when the definition of what a marriage should look like is reimagined as what it could look like if neither party worried about judgment, appearances, or perceptions of normalcy.
Commitment is HARD!
Living with and being faithful to the same person day after day, year after year, decade after decade through shifts in identity, physical changes, parenting, 7000 versions of the same fight, all the things…it takes more than loyalty and perseverance. Most marriages will see many seasons from early, can’t-keep-your-pants-on excitement to oh my God stop chewing so loud, and everything in between. And during times that feel stuck or stale, it takes creativity, a growth mindset, and open-ness, a willingness to change on the part of both partners.
By change, I mean creating space in a relationship for curiosity, exploration, and flexibility. I mean letting go of rules that may have exceeded their organic expiration date. Just because you’ve always done things a particular way does not mean that you have to continue doing things the same old way. If everyone is sick of tacos, you can scratch Taco Tuesdays from the rotation. If one or both partners has a fantasy that the other partner doesn’t want to partake in; if one partner has a much stronger sex drive than the other; if one or both partners are seeking the excitement of something intellectually, creatively, or sexually new and different but have no interest in jeopardizing their relationship, there are lots of low-risk options for spicing up, and opening up a relationship.
Such as…
No-touch experiences like porn, erotica or OnlyFans can be enjoyed by one or both partners, separately or together. There is sensual massage. Flirting. Crushing. There are AI boyfriends and girlfriends! There are gleaming boutiques packed with sex toys and paraphernalia and uninhibited sales consultants who can tell you exactly how to wield that vibrator.
A spouse-less getaway, a solo adventure or a girls’ or guys’ trip offer the opportunity to be a person with interests outside of family-something that can source you to return back home as your better self. For the adventurous, there are sex clubs or parties which can provide a forum for anonymous escapades. I’ve heard from people who will kiss other people, like taking a bite of a cookie and tossing the rest, to feel wanted, to get a tingle, to get a short fix that goes a long way yet feels quasi-permissable. The options are as limitless as your imagination set free and fearless.
If you are missing something but really want to remain committed to your partner, it may be time to have a look at the rules of your relationship together, and figure out where you can do some rewriting to allow for exploration.
Creative Uncoupling
Thinking outside the box has saved many a marriage. It also comes in handy when the goal is to not remain together. Just as marriage doesn’t need to look a certain way, neither does separation or divorce. We have seen many instances of:
Couples who can’t live together but don’t want to be apart, so they have separate homes and spend some weekends and occasional vacations together.
Couples who have “separated” and are dating other people but co-habitate for financial and co-parenting purposes.
Couples with a bi-curious partner who is given an opening to pursue their curiosity.
Though your friends and neighbors may not be discussing their marital evolution over a latte at Starbucks after the PTA meeting, people are letting go of the relational detritus that no longer brings them joy, charting their own paths, and daring to be different, all behind closed doors.
If you’re feeling like your marriage needs a refresh or re-think and want some professional guidance as you navigate change, please contact us.
Sincerely,
Sweta
Resources
Last month’s newsletter, “Surprisingly Useful Things to Know About Marriage”, may be of interest to you.
If this month’s article resonated, here are a few resources I often share with clients. You don’t need all of them, just start with one that meets you where you are.
All Fours by Miranda July: is a compelling novel that took the idea of creatively opening a mid-life marriage and ran with it.
Mating in Captivity: Explores the tension between security and desire in long-term relationships and how couples maintain erotic connection over time.
Hold Me Tight: Grounded in EFT and attachment science, offering insight into emotional safety, vulnerability, and connection in partnership.
Come as You Are: Excellent resource on sexuality, desire, stress, and responsive desire patterns, especially for women.
And as always, if you want to explore your own relationship (or expanding the boundaries of it) with the support of a therapist using evidence-based approaches, please reach out.
Click here to book a free consultation or call us at 973-281-4551.