Surprisingly Useful Things to Know About Marriage
On Conflict, Happiness, Sex, and other Everyday Relationship Stuff
Every relationship is different. Even a single relationship like the one between you and your partner looks like something else entirely at different points in time. If relationships were completely predictable, I wouldn’t have a job.
That said, there has been A LOT of research on marriage and its major themes and there are some things we do know patterns and behaviors that come up again and again in so many partnerships. Evidence-based approaches to improving relationships, communication, and intimacy such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and The Gottman Method are grounded in these facts these truths that reflect nearly all relationships. I have been working with couples for many, many years, and collaborating with other professionals who also work with couples and I’ve noticed a pattern or two as well. I think it will be helpful a shortcut through pain and experimentation if you can wrap your mind around these facts sooner rather than later.
Here are some key take-aways from decades’ worth of observations and insights that will save you time and angst, and hopefully bring more heat and happiness into your relationship. (You’re welcome.)
Three things every couple fights about on repeat
Do you argue with your spouse about whether to save for vacation or retirement? Would you like to have sex on Saturday night if you’re in the mood while your spouse is in the mood 24/7? Are you in sync about who cooks and who cleans? It’s not at all surprising that every couple fights. What’s interesting is that every couple has the same top 3 fights:
Money
Sex
Distribution of labor
Also of interest, 69% of marital fights never get resolved. There is no right or wrong, no winner or loser. Just two people who are constructed in ways that will lead to ongoing disagreement. But, you can use your disagreements as opportunities to communicate, understand and accept each other. The point is not to stop fighting altogether it’s about learning to manage conflict productively, calmly, respectfully, and ideally with a sense of humor.
What you should know about happiness…
There is no singular secret to marital bliss different strokes for different folks. But one thing that is backed by evidence: The happiest couples take input from one another. This is especially true of husbands in heterosexual marriages where accepting a wife’s influence is the best predictor of marital satisfaction. Taking a partner’s advice, a meaningful show of respect, is good for both the note-giver and the recipient.
…and sexiness.
The biggest turn-on for couples with children is when one partner does something thoughtful for the child(ren). SEXY as hell! Another turn-on? When a partner takes care of themselves. Not self-care like I’m heading to my fourth massage of the week but when you eat well, exercise, read, undertake some form of self-improvement, make an effort to look good and be a good person…that’s hot. It’s like you’re making an investment in your collective future.
Four things you should absolutely, positively avoid if you want to stay married
Drs. John and Julie Gottman are researchers, writers, and therapists who’ve done a ton of research on relationships. They have determined that four types of communication are reliable predictors for divorce or relationship dissolution:
Contempt
Criticism
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Antidotes to these red flag behaviors are
Showing appreciation for your partner
Gently addressing problems without blaming your partner
Taking responsibility when you screw up
Self-soothing rather than shutting down
The most important things to know about affairs
The number one reason people have affairs is that they don’t feel desired. If your partner had an affair, I can guarantee the affair partner is not a more attractive, interesting version of you. The only box their lover will definitely check is that they made your spouse feel seen, felt, heard and desired when they were feeling particularly needy of that attention.
Discovering your spouse had or is having an affair can be world-turned-upside-down-level devastating. But an affair doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a marriage. The majority of marriages 60-75% survive an affair and of those, 77% of couples report that their marriage is stronger after the affair and healing.
Surprising observations about couples therapy
In heterosexual couples, women most often initiate couples therapy, but once a couple has started working with a therapist they like, men are the ones who want to continue. Turns out they like having someone outside the relationship to listen, reflect, and propel communication that might not otherwise happen.
If you’re reading this, you are likely seeing a couples therapist, or contemplating doing so. I get that people fear starting couples therapy because they worry it could lead to the end of a relationship. But statistically, couples therapy is significantly more likely to lead to a stronger, happier relationship than to be a predictor of divorce.
I hope I’ve cleared up some misconceptions, shed some light, and left you with greater clarity and hope for your own relationship because beneath it all, we’re not looking for perfection, we’re looking for someone who turns toward us when it matters most.
Sweta
Resources
Last month’s newsletter, “Honey, I’m hooooome!”, may be of interest to you.
If this month’s article resonated, here are a few resources I often share with clients. You don’t need all of them, just start with one that meets you where you are.
Gottman Method Resources
If you want to do a deeper dive on The Gottman Method, read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — a foundational read for understanding the Gottman Method
Check out this (short video) on what the Gottmans refer to as “The Four Horsemen” and their antidotes, mentioned above.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Resources
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love — by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller is a great book to dive into if you want to learn more about EFT and attachment.
Check out The Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy Podcast if you want to hear how other couples actually move through disconnection and repair.
And as always, if you want to explore your own relationship with the support of a therapist using evidence-based approaches, please reach out for a free consultation.
Click here to book a free consultation or call us at 973-281-4551.