The 10 Minute Date
A little connection goes a long way
So many of our clients have families with young kids juggling jobs, little league, and this month the never-ending stream of year-end concerts, award ceremonies, field days, daytime, evening, must-be-there-or-face-shame-of-not-being-seen-seeing-kid-mouth-words-to-song-on-stage events. It may seem impossible to keep up with the stuff of life: the meetings, the groceries, the garden, even the basic minimum feeding, care, and transportation of dependent children. There is hardly enough time to pull together a dinner beyond mac-and-cheese, much less bandwidth for a romantic evening with your partner. I see you, metaphorically, and also in our therapy rooms! I feel you. I get it.
Before our kids reach the age where we can leave them alone for a few hours without worrying that they’ll burn down the house or beat each other to a pulp, most parents feel like they are barely staying afloat, pushing through the marathon of each day to collapse into bed; checking off “to do”’s from the always-growing list. We shake out the backpack detritus of one school year to plunge into a summer of travel, sports, activity-finding, water-bottle-filling and then the days start getting shorter and the back-to-school displays pop up at Target…and we’re off! Again, and again.
Running in Circles (and Dots)
Parenting is a full-time job. And when your kids are still depending on you to drive, plan, take care of most of their needs, it’s easy for your co-parent to feel more like your business partner than your romantic partner. But it’s actually incredibly important for your relationship to have a life outside of running the house and caring for your children.
Family systems theory describes the inter-connection between every family member. There are the relationships between each parent and each child, between parents, between siblings. Picture each family member as a dot and draw individual lines connecting each dot to every other dot and that is your family system. Draw circles around 2 or more dots at a time and those are your sub-systems. The circle around you and your partner is your spousal sub-system and it is crucial for that sub-system to be strong, for it to exist without any other dots within the circle. The strength of that sub-system is important on its own, for the health of your relationship. It is also important to the health of your family.
If you wait until your relationship hits a crisis point before you nurture it, before you book that weekend getaway or call a couples therapist, you and/or your partner will find yourselves turning to something else: the gym, a hobby, alcohol, or even another person outside the relationship. You may find yourselves growing apart or feeling abandoned.
Romance? What’s that?
Date night is practically a couples therapy cliché, but it’s about shoring up the spousal sub-system. Spending time together without children reminds you that your wife is more than just the tired lady making lists; that your husband is not just the guy who forgot to walk the dog. The problem is, date night often defies the reality of life with young kids, particularly when there are multiple children. Babysitters are expensive. Making a reservation, coordinating sleep-overs, pulling on pants that aren’t workwear or sweats…can feel overwhelming.
Connecting with your partner doesn’t have to be.
The Micro Date
It’s easy enough to convince ourselves that there isn’t time or money for a weekend away, or even a night on the town. But this is one of those times when it’s actually a good idea to set the bar low.
Sitting outside without phones with a glass of wine or a cup of tea for 15 minutes after the kids are asleep.
Staying in bed to cuddle or sneak in a little morning sex while the kids watch whatever the hell they want to watch for an hour on a weekend morning.
Closing the laptops and looking into each other’s eyes for a few minutes talking about absolutely anything at the kitchen counter.
Walking around the block holding hands.
Sneaking in a cup of coffee right after the kids go to school.
These are all ways to find connection with your spouse through eye contact, physical contact, conversation. Ten-minute dates can not include devices and should not be built around parallel play (though there is room to watch a TV show together in bed, or to have a grocery shopping date). Those few minutes a few times each week when it is just the two of you giving each other your undivided attention? They go a long way.
If you are struggling to find connection and thinking about couples therapy, please reach out for a free consultation.
Sincerely,
Sweta
Looking for ideas? Consider keeping a connection tool nearby.
Favorites include Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin?, We’re Not Really Strangers Couples Edition, The And Couples Edition, TableTopics Couples, Love Lingual, or the Paired app. Sometimes all it takes is one thoughtful question to shift a conversation from logistics back to connection.
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel explores the ways in which relationships change when children enter the picture.
Resources and Upcoming Events
Evening Postpartum Depression Support Snapshot Class
June 25th 6:30pm-8pm
Postpartum Depression Support Group (Spanish)
Saturday July 18th and 25th
Postpartum Depression Support Group (English)
Thursdays September 10th, 17th, and 24th
Closer Together: A Couple’s Workshop
With Celina Wigle-Vargas-Olias, LSW
1st through 4th Saturdays each month 12:30pm-2pm
Click here to book a free consultation or call us at 973-281-4551
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This is a great idea: it's so simple, yet so many couples just don't think it's a necessary expenditure of energy. How are they going to keep learning about eachother if they don't check in! keep your stories coming :)